


Who the fuck is eldain

by SkeletonHypetrain



Category: Van Helsing (2004), the mertens
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 15:16:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16725858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkeletonHypetrain/pseuds/SkeletonHypetrain
Summary: who i this secondary character, you´ll know that





	1. biography bullshit

Eldain Van Dork, this elf boy with an androgynous face from Portland, Oregon, he´s the known childhood friend of``the attempt to bring the early 2000s marvel superhero movie with its edgyness and nu metal songs´´ known as Paul mertens.. Eldain is an old bro of a young faun girl known as Cassiopeia,Cassy had some friends like fedora the nymph, she´s just your ordinary faun girl who tells you to get up on the hydra´s back. Well, this guy was expelled from 3 kindergardens,4 schools, 5 highschools and from Hogwarts. So,he met a young paul mertens when paul´s grandpa was teaching him some stuff. Eldain loved the amazing world of monster hunting, paul´s grandpa told him some stuff like that. Then Eldain met one of the franchises that would be essential to him: van helsing. Now we are gonna to witness the day when eldain watched van helsing with paul, that day, Sir paul had to pick up the pals, so he was driving.(this is when paul had a face) Sir paul: well my children, how was the film? Paul: grandpa, it was okay… Eldain: IT WAS AWESOME!, So there´s lotsa monsters among us, I want to be the next right hand of god like van helsing, can I be a friendly vassal at your service, paul´s grandpa? Sir paul was shocked after he heard that. Sir paul: eldain, do you know what happened to one of my vassals?. Paul: don’t tell that!, I don’t want to throw up. Sir paul: glad you heard that story. Eldain felt a bit curious about that story, so he waited.. And don’t forget when he bought his precious dvd prequel of that movie

Weeks later,he went to a trip with his friend and grandpa to Paris(also when paul had a face)  
Sir paul: well, my future daemonologists, this church is the notre dame.  
Paul: we know it grandpa.  
Eldain: I know what happened there, van helsing had huge and intense fight against Hyde, and there was boom, and slash, and woah!.  
Sir paul: and also where your ancestor, who was my vassal, was raped and murdered by Edward hyde.  
Eldain looked shocked at paul´s grandpa.  
Paul: oh grandpa, you´re scaring him.  
Sir paul pointed at one of the darkest streets.  
Sir paul: one of your ancestors, who was my vassal, went with my known helpers, who also are jack and bill´s ancestors to paris, eldi,who was your ancestor, had the right idea to start a conversation with him, and you know what happened to eldi, he was raped to death, fortunately he survived to that because he´s an elf and elves had regenerative bullshit like us.  
Eldain looked shocked at paul´s grandpa.., and then he looked at paul.  
Paul: sorry man.  
Eldain: ok.  
Although eldain was shocked after he heard that, he wasn´t sure about what.


	2. stairway to darkness.

Some years later, eldain, who was graduated as noob monsterhunter, he gain some nicknames such as Flannel boy, earl Sinclair(because of his flannel jacket), van dork and Eldyne(because of his similarities to the undertale character: undyne).  
He was a young elf man from fiesteros(is a word combination between westeros and fiesta), which means that he was party harding a lot, rarely he appeared with paullie at some rave parties.  
We can see a footage of him in some of the sweet rave parties.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Nkb3g-yySs

But one day, a day that would change his life and almost lost one.  
That day was nocturnalis(nocturnalis happens every 21st of October, where everyone fight against monsters), our friend eldain was so excited to participate in that event, his friends were complaining about that but they have to adapt to the monster´s traditions, his friends told him that this would be like dark souls, but eldain didn’t give a fuck, Anyway, so eldain took a selfie with his pals, and play "van helsing's theme"and ran to the adventure.  
They arrived to a dark alley, eldain noticed that his friends were making a bonfire like those ones from darksouls in case of one of the group dies.  
Eldain didnt mind about that, he was so excited to debut as a monsterhunter.  
Eldain:come out whathever you are, you will not defeat the great....  
And he saw someone that would make his life hell, it is hyde my dudes.  
Eldain started to blush when he saw him..  
Eldain: hello....  
Hyde:hi..  
Eldain saw that his friends told him to do something.  
Eldain took a deep breath and...  
Eldain: my name is eldain van dork, descendant of eldi, son of Dyan and Mephis, older brother of cassiopeia and i have come to...  
Hyde: ah, Eldi, that elf boy, i remember having a good time with him...  
Eldain remembered the cruel fate of his ancestor, blushed and nervous, he got angry and he say:"im gonna rip out the only eye you had, douchebag".  
Hyde: only you?.  
Eldain: no, me and my friends...  
Then he realized that his friends were hiding in some boxes.  
Dain looked at his future nightmare.  
Eldain: well. How about you are leaving this place, and we are gonna going away.  
Hyde: you know what, how about…THIS  
Then hyde smashed eldain´s head.  
Warning the next images are extremenly gorish about what happened to El, viewer description is advised.  
  
  
  
But suddenly he woke up, thanks to the bonfire, he heard that someone saying: wake up sleepy head.  
He was been grabbed by his flannel jacket, it was Edward who was grabbing him.  
Hyde: well, any last words.  
Eldy was so nervous and blushed at the same time he said: ``I DON’T WANT TO DIE A VIRGIN´´  
Eldain was shocked about he said, then hyde grabbed Eld.  
Hyde: you and I we are going to have a very good time.  
Eldain: don’t go too fast while you are climbing to those rooftops, im getting dizzy very easily.  
But hyde didn’t listen to him and then he jumped towards the rooftop.  
Eldain: Ah, somebody help me!  
And that moment eldain became Ann darrow for this king kong.  
His pals were scared to call van helsing, so they went to ask for help.  
Hours later, eldain was now in a rooftop, his skin was blue due to the centrifugal forces, he was shaking and puking blood..  
Hyde: ah, the city, I think the view over here is rather spectacular.  
Eldain looked angrily at him  
Eldain: that same thing you said to van helsing when you face against him in Paris,1888, at least I don’t have the Stockholm syndrome to see your ugly face.  
Then hyde went towards him and grabbed the elf boy by the neck.  
Hyde: listen here you little shit, no one hesitates me, you don’t tell me what to do because you´re my bitch, get it?  
Eldain didn’t look at him, buy Edward took him by the chin.  
Hyde: look at me, I don’t want to destroy your beautiful elf face, you know how much I get turned on by your species, im treat you better than eldi, but first I was wonder if…  
A female voice interrupted him  
???: get your dirty paws off my big brother!  
It was eldain´s young sister, she was at the window from the other building near them.  
Hyde: oh you are his little sister?, well, you know what im going to do to this loser?  
Cassy was scared, she begged him to not throw him.  
But a bullet was shot in hyde´s left shoulder, he dropped eldain to the rooftop ground.  
The one who shot Edward was..paul mertens, who was sniping at one of the nearest buildings.  
Paul: goddamn it!, I almost was doing a headshot, I have to practice more…what´s that?, WHAT IS THAT?, THAT THING LOOKS LIKE A TROLL, A BIG TROLL, well,shit im outta here.  
Im gonna show you an audio of what happened.  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLL0YbPstnQ  
And also a fragment of paul´s interviewing.  
Interviewer: how it looked like.  
Paul: I don’t know, It looks like father nature show me its dark side.  
So, eldain was crying, he took one last selfie, but.  
His sense was tingling, in a dash á la quick time events, he dodges his enemy, but something was wrong.  
He saw that his nightmare turned into his true form, it was Jekyll.  
Eldain: you….  
Jekyll: sorry, It wasn’t me…it was my evil alter ego..sorry(hyde: what the fuck are you doing).  
But eldain was like:  
  
Jekyll: please, eldain, I have something to tell you…I love you,you look like a girl(hyde: THE BOY IS MINE!), and im sorry for what happened to eldi.  
Eldain: you´re late, 130 years late, come here you motherfucker.  
After hours of punching Jekyll, eldain throws him off the rooftop with anger.  
Eldain, with his anger, he let out a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.  
And an aura surrounded him while reeeeing.  
Picture related(ignore the edible meme thing:  
  
Eldain has ascended.  
Magnum idiot  
Defense: 400  
Attack: 20  
Intelligence: 404 not found  
New ability: turk dance from scrubs(increases defense and virginity, drives away monsters)  
The creatures, deamonologists and monsterhunters knew that a new right hand of god and a monsterhunter was born.  
After that he went to celebrate his debut as a monster hunter.  
But the minstrels wrote songs about eldain´s success  
`` There once was a brave lad called Eldain.  
With a fi-fi fiddle dee-dee.  
He faced a fearsome giant  
While his friends just wanted to pee´´.  
He also appeared in the tonight show with paul mertens:  
Paul: well eldain,are you okay.  
Eldain:…  
Paul: don’t worry.


	3. tempus di medici

After what happened In nocturnalis,Eldain was diagnosed with ptsd and a strong agoraphobia, which means to be afraid of being outside.  
While he was outside he saw jekyll stalking him, that made eldain being more scared of that.  
So he had an idea, he had to go to one of the unused libraries to create a base.  
His parents were worried about him, his lil sis was so sad that eldain had to leave.  
After he arrived, he transformed this unused library as a base, he brought a mattress and some stuff like that.  
Later, eldain started to have god awful nightmares about been killed by that man again and again.  
But I want to show one of his horrible nightmares:  
Eldain:aaah, what a nightmare, well at least it doesn’t get any worse.  
Hyde: eldain!  
Eldain: wh-what the..  
Hyde: ready for round 2?  
Eldain screamed in fear that he woke up screaming.  
Eldain: holy shit, a nightmare inside a nightmare, I need to stop this.  
So he picked his phone.  
Eldain:nancy?  
Nancy:yes  
Eldain: do you have hypnocil?  
Nancy: yes.  
Eldain:GIME ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING BOXES OF THAT SHIT.  
And eldain started to take a lot of hypnocil to not have those horrid nightmares, he listened to bring me to life, every single version of that song including the kidz bop version.  
While he was at one of the library´s computers he saw some memes about what happened,  
And also a video of a fragment of an episode of billy and mandy but with the title: eldain´s nocturnalis in a nutshell:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pwzVovhdiA

 

So, our flannel boy was consumed by traumas and insanity.  
But one day, while he was reading some books, he saw someone entering into his base, it was paullie.

Paullie: hi eldain!  
Eldain:paullie?  
Paullie:long time no see  
Eldain: why are you here?  
Paullie: I wanted to visit you, everyone is worried about you.  
Eldain:okay.  
Paullie: gee, you look like shit, you didn’t sleep for days.  
Eldain: weeks  
Paullie:I recently discovered that you have two best abilities: tempus di medici and vigilia.  
Eldain: what´s that?.  
Paullie: vigilia is when an elf falls asleep and he/she teletransports into a pleasant dimension based on her or his favourite things.  
Eldain: that why I skipped school when the teacher tells off, and about tempus di medici?  
Paullie: if you said that in case of trouble, you´re able to freeze time like a quick time event. But you have a time limit, so you gotta go fast.  
Eldain: ok.  
Paullie: gee, let’s go outside, don’t worry about your problem, i´ll be with you,but first let me do something.  
Paullie showed up a disc with a word written in marker: Tokyo Tribe-2.  
Eldain:what are you doing?  
Paullie:shock therapy  
Then llie and Eldain went to a mall.  
Eldain: why you have to show me that!  
Paullie: ´cause it´s part of the therapy just relax, here have this.  
Eldain: this bitch empty, YEEET  
Paullie:ok  
Then suddenly, eldain notice that Jekyll was staring at him.  
Like this:  


 

Eldain: here he is  
Paullie: what behind the man?  
Eldain: it is the man.  
Paullie: and he´s gone.  
Eldain:WHAT!.  
But suddenly they saw paul running from someone, saying this:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5kPUFxXYLs

Eldain:oh god.  
Paullie: what is paul doing…oh my god, that thing looks like a gorilla, it’s the gorilla man, well eldain, you know what to say, and don’t forget:never look back.  
So eldain said his words.  
Eldain: TEMPUS DI MEDICI  
Suddenly, time froze, except for eldain, he had to runescape, he ran for his life, he was rolling around at the ludicrous speed of sound.  
He arrived to his base, he closed the door, but suddenly, he heard footsteps, he ran to a corner, screaming like a girl, he expected the worst, as the door was opening, a pale creature appeared.  
Eldain:what?  
Proyect 499: oh hello there.  
Eldain:…  
Proyect 499: yeah, I also saw that troll.  
Eldain: did you also beat him.  
Proyect 499: I tried.  
Eldain: well, im okay.  
Proyect 499: paullie told me to gave you this.  
Proyecy 499 gave to him a grey box with a note.  
``dear Erudain van dorku:  
Sorry for showing that episode, so heres the kit of forget your enemy, I forget one of my enemies, paul told me that I created a 4th seal and all that  
Heres what´s inside:  
The movie Dracula from 1992  
LSD  
Cocaine  
Heroin  
Weed  
Some edibles  
Little nicky movie  
Clerks movie  
Jay and silent bob movie  
And some pack of horror movies.

Hope you enjoy it.  
Paula strange mertens´´  
As he opened the box he picked the cocaine.  
Eldain: well lets go.  
As he sniffed the cocaine, it was just the beginning; a new member has joined to the insignificant world of drugs.  
After hours of drugs and party harding, he go back to the base..  
Eldain: imma tired…  
Proyect 499: here´s some sleep aid pills.  
Eldain: gimme that.  
Eldain and 499 took one of the sleep aid pills.  
499:let me sing a song for your dream.  
Proyect 499 began to sing:  
Close your eyes, Shut your mouth, Dream a dream and get us out, Dream dream dream dream dream dream

Hit the hay, Fast asleep, Dream a dream you little bleep Dream dream dream dream dream dream  
Take your time, But beware, There is darkness in the air, Dream dream dream dream dream dream  
eldain fell fast asleep.  
Eld woke up in a dimensional place, playing this song:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WthXjYSigSk

Eldain realized it was his favorite song, he realized he was lying down a field that looked like the bottom of the sea, he realized that he was in his vigilia, his favorite place was waterfall from undertale but a different version.  
Eldain saw the sky full of stars and vaporwave-ish stuff and a giant space squid swimming in that dimensional sky.  
He saw a door, he went towards it, as he opened it, he was in a vaporwave-esque cafeteria, and there was no one, except Paullie.  
The cafeteria was playing this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWoLaQHSXms&t=16s  
Meanwhile in the real world, 499 was protecting the sleeping eldain, but 499 saw a big figure.  
499: do you know what they call me``the last thing before you die´´, so don’t make me add you in my list´´  
But we go back to eldain.  
Paullie: hey eldain, congrats, welcome to vigilia.  
Eldain: yeah.  
Paullie: here´s for you a tv helmet.  
Eldain: like those one that you wear and control you.  
Paullie: well,yes.  
Then eldain wore the tv helmet, thus started a compilation a eldain and paullie wandering through dimensionalis.

But then, Eld woke up, he was at his bed in his library, he felt great after that deep sleep, he saw her sister.  
Cassy: hi big bro.  
Eldain: oh hello there.  
Cassy: you have slept a long time.  
Eldain: huh?  
Cassy: you have sleept for 6 weeks.  
Eldain: wow.  
Cassy: its 7:00 p.m.  
Eldain: thank you for wake me up, well I gotta go to see the mertens.  
As he went out of the library, he realized that the city was dark and silent.  
He walked through the streets, then he saw them.  
Eldain: guys!  
Paul: hi eldain  
Paullie: wassup  
Eldain: im feeling great.  
Paul: you aren’t afraid of the troll man.  
Eldain:who?...guys, im healed, IM FREE!  
Eldain look back,he saw nothing.  
Eldain: IM FREEE, thank you paullie  
Eldain hugged Paullie.  
At that moment Eldain became a person like paullie, he began to take more care of his sister, he also became a brave person.  
He was now ready for everything  
  
  
I mean everything.  
  
What a nice lady, nope, just eldain cosplaying.

Later, Paullie was a bit desperate because she had to find a new member of her band: hellmoths, but when heard eldain playing: alex f from Beverly hills’ cop, she immediately hired him, eldain appeared as a guest star in one of paullie´s concerts.  
And that´s the story of eldain.


	4. Epilogue

After what happened, eldain became an expert monsterhunter, he gain honoritary titles such as Dorkhelsing, Van dork or Erudain, her sister,who was now 11, received her Hogwarts card in the middle of a potterhead convention, every 30 yr old potterhead was jealous.  
Eldain changed his appearance, his hair was long, so his eyes were hidden, his outfit was like jay´s outfit from jay and silent bob, he smiled like happy mask salesman, eldain also had a van known as the ``eldainmobile´´, it’s a van with a flannel pattern, and blonde hair.  
At the top it had a cartoonish head of eldain, which is a speaker that plays trance and nightcore music.  
One day,He posted on his instragram a video of paullie stealing the Otomobile from the league of the extraordinary gentlemen(league of extraordinary flops according to erudain), then people started to post some videos and photos of eldain standing at the top of the car playing his saxaboom solo, or making the ``drawing like one of your French women´´ pose.  
Paul saw them, he told to eldain this:

Paul: hey eldain, remember Jekyll?  
Eldain: what.  
Paul: he commited suicide, oh, well ermm, he commited die, sewer side, well, he commited  
Deathpacito

Eldain was like this:  


 

And then he do the turk dance from scrubs(in this modern times, it´s the default dance from fortnite)

After that, paullie destroyed the otomobil due to her initial d abilities, but eldain had a wonderful idea, with paullie´s help, they created a robot that is also an armor by using the pieces of the otomobil(is that how the pronounce that car in the LXG movie), they created the white knight, it looked like proyect 500 but better, is like the hulkbuster from age of ultron.

So that´s the end.


End file.
